My DH and I recently made one of our semi-annual trips to Chicago to enjoy a weekend of live theater. We were able to get tickets to Fiddler on the Roof at the Drury Lane Theater and it was beyond fabulous! Within the first few bars of the opening number, I was quickly reminded (as were the people around me) why it's one of my favorite musicals!
There are several iconic songs from this musical, such as "If I were a rich man..." or "Matchmaker, matchmaker, make me a match..." (Ask your mom - I'm sure she can hum a few bars.) But the opening number "Tradition!" is the song that sets up the major theme for the villagers in a Russian town trying to continue their traditions and keep their society running as the world around them changes. And no one feels it more than the main character, Tevye. His commitment to tradition is challenged as his daughters seek to break with tradition and marry for love rather than through arranged unions.
There are few things more replete with traditions than weddings. And weddings are, by their very nature, chock-full of emotions. It's no wonder, then, that wedding traditions can cause some of the largest points of contention in a family or stress for the bride.
What's the definition of a tradition? I jumped over to Dictionary.com and this is what I found.
something that is handed down
a long-established or inherited way of thinking or acting
a continuing pattern of culture beliefs or practices
When I was a young bride some 35 years ago, wedding traditions brought me more comfort than stress. After hearing stories from my mom and grandma, I was familiar with the way they had "done things" and knew what they probably expected from me by default. Something old, something new, something borrowed, something blue. Walking down the church aisle on my dad's arm. My sister and only female cousin as my bridesmaids. And true enough, these were all the things I planned to do and looked forward to. But DH and I also wanted to add taking communion together as part of the ceremony. I'll never forget the look on my mom's face when she said, "You can't do that!" (I grew up Presbyterian.) So she was equally shocked when I told her that we'd talked to Rev. Gray and he thought it was a wonderful idea.
I loved my mom (I miss her so much) and I never wanted to upset her. But this was very important to my DH and me as the "two shall become one"... and it turned out to be a beautiful part of our ceremony. Now here I am 35 years later and the mother of the groom. And I am genuinely shocked by the feelings of "Tradition!" that rise in me every time my son and his bride talk about doing something I've never heard of or thought of. "What are they thinking? They can't do that!" Hmmm...where have I heard that before?
So why am I rambling so much about this anyway? I guess it's because I feel stuck between two worlds now, just like Tevye. I loved MY wedding traditions handed down through the generations and it only makes sense that my son and his bride should do it that way too. I mean, why wouldn't they? (Insert dramatic gesture and exclamation here.) But I also loved the special intimacy that sharing Communion brought to our ceremony, not part of the tradition at all. Yes, I clearly see the hypocrisy here. Why wouldn't I expect my son and his bride to do things that were very different "from the way we did it?"
For example, my son and his bride are currently serving in mission work overseas so we've been doing a lot of wedding stuff via text, email, WhatsApp, you name it. His sweet bride has welcomed me in to participate in all the planning even though I'm the MIL and so group chats/text, etc., just make sense! Just recently we had a conversation that involved her dress and she shared some photos of things that she liked and a couple that she'd seen in local dress shops where she's living. I had a sudden moment of panic.
"Please tell me you haven't shown these photos to my son!!??!!"
"Why, should I not do that?" she asks so sweetly. And I'm trying to type NO so fast that autocorrect gets involved. Doesn't she know he's not supposed to see it till she walks down the aisle?
Uhmmm, where is it written that she can't show him the dress before the wedding? (Crickets!) Tradition - sing it Tevye!
Because of my business AND my current role as MOG, I've joined a whole bunch of FB groups. And TRADITION is the word that gets thrown around a whole bunch and causes most friction. MOBs venting to other moms about why their daughters aren't doing things a certain way. Brides who are stressed out because they want to know what the traditional wording is for their invitation to keep their families happy. And leave it to social media to allow people to loudly vent comments like, "Do what you want, it's your wedding, not hers.""Uh, back off mom, it's her wedding, not yours. I made sure my daughter was free to do what made her happy."
Everyone's story is different ~ some brides' parents can afford to pay for the whole thing, some brides don't even talk to their parents, some brides hate all the stress and just want to elope, some brides struggle to make any decisions at all because they don't want to upset anyone, and some brides know exactly what they want and don't care who they upset in the process of getting it.
So, if you land on the doorstep of The Bride's Secretary because you want to know the traditionally correct way to handle your invitations, I'll tell you.
I'll tell you that, in this generation, traditions are much more fluid than they used to be. I'll tell you that traditional wording is influenced by so many factors: culture, formality, personality, type of wedding, type of guest, family relationships...and so on. And I'll tell you that what is appropriate, traditional wording for one MOB, is not traditional for another. And what one Bride cares about saying seems totally ridiculous to another.
So instead of telling you...I'll ask you to consider some questions first. Do you see the invitation as a way to show love and gratitude to your parents by including their names? Are you prepared that feelings might be hurt if you don't? Will you even ask their thoughts on the subject? Do you want to carefully invite "no children" but your MOH is a mother of toddlers? Are you getting a headache yet? Because I think I am!
Yes, there's value in tradition and it can make decision-making easier because someone has already told you how it should be. But in a culture where, not too long ago, we had all these videos circulating, showing mob weddings that the groom had arranged to the complete surprise of the bride, giving her only moments to put on a dress - almost anything goes. So let's talk about what kind of "traditional wording" YOU'RE looking for. Old-fashioned, modern or a hybrid? But for heaven's sake, don't keep stressing about your stationery all alone. Talk to me. We'll find the perfect wording (and match it with just the right, very legible font.)
Getting help with this area of your wedding is a good idea. Just ask your mom!
Kommentare